|
|
VT Tym's Page Newsladle Volume A Issue 3 |
|
|
VOLUME A ISSUE 3 JANUARY 14, 2003 FOUNDER: Gerald "Archie" Warner IV. EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: F. Poppinger SORRY! COORDINATOR: *Marv Ellis EATING CONTEST COORDINATOR: *Ashford Vanning ‘HASTA LA VISTA, BABY’ SAYER: Jay Vontane STILTS BRINGER/BRINGER AWAYER: Kenny Timmons HEAD WRITERS: Junior Ashley Otis Van Poppel HEADLESS WRITERS: Danuo Bushay Pipe Piper Timothy Lorrel Jr. INTERNS: Branson Schmitt Jonie Arbuckle Frank Shmerl Jr. Yules Backa appears courtesy of WinJam Records. Mrs. Paul Ayala appears courtesy of Mr. Paul Ayala. [*Ko-Ko Award Recipient for jermbalistic excrement] THIS WEEK’S TOP STORIES………(not affiliated with 'TOPS Storage') CHICK FILA COWS FINALLY CALL IT QUITS—“JUST EAT US”Davenport City---After years of pushing chicken and chicken-related wilderness gear onto unsuspecting citizens, the Chick Fila cows have finally given up the fight. They will end their decade-long run of sloppy handwriting and shoddy camera work and leave the advertising world. It is shocking news considering how many of the cows were nearing retirement. In a prepared statement their leader, Donald ‘Big Donnie’ Cow put an end to the madness: “When this all started we were very excited about the opportunity to help Chick Fila sell chicken, you know with us being cows and all. It was amazing at first, I mean TV commercials, billboards, plush dolls, you name it we were on it. But it got to be too much. Try extracting milk from your utters with three dozen reporters up your ass. It’s no picnic I’ll tell you that. I mean the picnics were good but this particular incident lacked a picnic-type atmosphere. Anyway they had us doing a majority of the writing for the ads. We were in the studio all the time. And we can spell, you know, that was the part that hurt the most. People were under the impression that cows were poor spellers, and nothing could be further from the truth. If you coulda seen the work we did with the Quayle boy in the 80’s. And we had a lot of young cows coming up, auditioning and thinking they were going to be stars in this business. But what Chick Fila didn’t tell us was not everyone eats chicken. Some people were still going to eat steak and that just took us all by surprise. Try telling a mother of four with a shady spot under a tree that her youngest born doesn’t have what it takes. That’s tough. (holds sign up) SHOW BILLIARDS IS HEK! We feel that this move is in our best interests and for the interests of all human beings as well. I mean honestly, we haven’t been funny in years.” The cows did not reveal any immediate career moves but the smart money is on grass eating. MAN MAKES STARTLING DISCOVERY: GOD’S WORKING DRIVE THRUMontaga Bay---Local wacko Carl Bechtold believes he knows where god is hiding, and he could be just a fish fillet sandwich away. Bechtold is getting set to release a new tell-all book about his discoveries at the Montaga Bay McDonalds. He feels that god is not only alive and walking the earth, but he’s working night shifts at the McDonalds by his apartment and handling “53% of the money transactions” at the drive thru. “I was on line at the drive thru, waiting for my order one night and I heard his voice on the speaker: ‘would you like to super size that?’ Would I like to super size that? And he did a pretty good job of doing the change. I don’t think there’s any doubt here that we’re looking at the one.” Of course he has his doubters but that’s not keeping Carl Bechtold from getting the truth across to the public. His book, GOD MAKES MINIMUM WAGE, has detailed descriptions of Bechtold’s encounters with the almighty and it even has a few blank pages in the back for autographs. The book is scheduled to hit shelves at the beginning of the summer but you can still pre-plan to not buy it from January 17th—January 23rd! 1ST ANNUAL MUTT NEWTON AWARDS HELD, CONSIDERED ‘MARGINAL SUCCESS WITH LOTS OF FREE SOAP’By special guest writer Yules Backa, lead saxophone for the Bellmont City Players.On Wednesday night the Filbert J. Auditorium and Theme Park on the campus of Millway High School was the place to pee for the 1st Annual Mutt Newton Awards for Brilliance in the Shower. Super model and Bipp Cola spokeswoman Caba Doonalai never showed up for her 9:17 award presentation. Too bad for her, she missed the Wet Sock contest. Tommy Chipawa, two-time defending champion in the Soapy Rope division won Latherer of the Year for the 4th time in his illustrious bathing career. Chipawa couldn’t attend the award ceremony as he continues to train for the upcoming Washies in March. He did accept a picture of his award from a couch. Cody Feinstein, coming off career-ending deconstructive shampoo squirting-hand surgery, received the All Time Achievement Award. It was mistakenly put on ‘Old Stumpy’ and laughter filled the far right corner of the auditorium. Mary Faxworthy won the award in the Alternative Showering Division for her work at the Outdoor Cleansing Seminars, May 7th-10th of last year. Mary had her youngest daughter, Britannica by her side and Britannica had a melted cupcake by hers. The much-anticipated Mulligan-Unwin brew-ho-hum never really materialized as it was rumored the all-time leader in Clean Drains, and Razor Blade Sharpness, Unwin, was hiding outside in a friend’s van. Mulligan did have the last laugh as he captured a Mutt Newton of his own winning Best Seated in his/her Chair at the 1st Annual Mutt Newton Awards. Supposedly, Unwin was ‘having a few’ in the van. A man named Jackie and his girlfriend suppose similarly. All in all, in all, in all the 1st Annual Mutt Newton Awards were somewhat of a success. Nobody died. All of the awards were handed out nicely by our presenters and we got a wide variety of streakers. Classifieds FOR SALE Celery—used but still has character. $2 or best offer. Call Sheena 444-6642. Record albums—Jonie Seville ‘Only Him and Him,’ The Maxwell 13 ‘Live Confusion,’ Marty and Joel ‘Arabadakka,’ and ‘Teen Wolf Too Instrumental Soundtrack.’ CALL Dotty and Harold 444-1091 Jimmy—7 years old, likes dump trucks, Sesame Street and Spaghetti-O’s. Needs to be indoors a minimum of twenty hours a day. If for any reason you don’t let him have his blanket, ‘Doctor Robbie’ it could get unpleasant. APARTMENTS FOR RENT 7th Avenue and Wilkshire 2 BR 0 BATH Rent is negotiable. Call Dianne 444-0074 Adelberry and Lincoln 1 BR 1 BATH 0 SINKS Call Murphy 333-9385 Also in the news……………but down here………… ANOTHER WORD INVENTED BY SENILE LUNATICHerbert McRacken is at it again. Despite repeated attempts by loved ones to discourage him, the man with a Haldin County record four lawnmowers has declared shinnis a word. In a news conference, in his blue and green striped undershorts, McRacken made it official. He’ll be using the word to describe “unseasonably warm weather.” McRacken, 81, is the same man responsible for inventing such words as tan-tan, and yeel, both of which had early appeal but never survived. (circa 1973 and 1975) Just as many felt McRacken’s time was just about up, he proved them wrong with a flawless inauguration speech for president of the united states in his backyard on Christmas Day 1984. And once he ran one quarter mile in high school. But the former ‘environmentalist’ has been out of the spotlight for years until making his announcement today. McRacken has also removed his mailbox from the front lawn and replaced it with an autographed picture of Reginald Vel Johnson, TV’s ‘Carl Winslow.’ He said it gave the front lawn more Carl Winslow and then he farted. McRacken vows to invent other words at a later date but has not revealed when that date will be. Experts predict either tomorrow or possibly the next day. The newsletter will stay within three or four feet of this story as long as it remains stale and uninteresting. CORRECTIONS FROM THE LASSIE ISSUE:--William ‘Refrigerator’ Perry’s name in Rocky VI. is actually going to be Paul Bennett, not ‘Momma-Mia,’ as was originally printed. --The Noodle Hut on 6th Street just reopened after renovations but was not mentioned in the last issue. bumpokes (totals thru 1/6/03) marv 11 joe-joe 8 junior 6 pipe 4 Next issue: a brief history of the envelope. Back to Newsladle's Main Page. |
|